Have Faith In Me.

I don’t want the affection because, yeah, it does make me feel unworthy.

I’m fed up of the relationship comments.

I’m fed up of our relationship comments.

I’m fed up of the feeling of being in one, but knowing I’m not good enough.

I’m fed up of the constant feeling of being used.

I’m fed up of being told how to feel.

I’m fed up with the ‘you’re beautiful’ ‘I love you’ texts, without it even having any meaning.

Yet, I love every single little part of it.

I wouldn’t change you. I couldn’t.

I’m content without the affection, without a relationship.

But I miss the cuddles and kisses, the feeling of being wanted and special to someone.

It’s just misleading.

It’s just not right.

And the truth is, I hate myself, from head to toe.
Inside and out.
No one is able to change my opinion, and rarely do I feel good enough for anyone, in any form. 

Everybody comments that we’re basically like a couple.
In reality, we’re not.
Never set out to be.
Never will end that way.
I wish people would stop comparing us as a couple.
It only makes me feel that much more less.
That much more unworthy.
That much more lonely. 

This is the 7th week now not sleeping properly, and it’s starting to get me down, things started to become shit at home again, which makes me think more about other things in general, so i don’t talk as much.
I haven’t really since new years.
I don’t laugh much anymore, because i find it hard to think of most things people say is funny. My humor has changed, theres little i can do about that.
I find it hard to smile without a reason anymore, because of people, because of situations, because i have no reason to.
To try and find my smile and laughter, i joke about everything, but that’s how i cover everything up. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to.
I’m broke. I have no way of getting money. I try for jobs, i look most nights, but most places clash with school hours.
I may spend a lot of my money now going to see him, but thats because i miss him.
I spend most my time doing school work now, because it just builds up.
The other half of my time, i’m cleaning my house, or generally helping my parents with things.
Most the time i feel lonely, mostly without my friends being around, but somtimes, even with, i still feel empty.
I feel like i don’t fit in.
I feel like i’m never good enough.
I always have done. But recently more than ever.
The only time i’m content is when i’m asleep. Which is hardly.
This making me in a bad mood during the day because of the lack of it, and its only just caught up with me.
I know that when i’m tired i snap at people, i try not to. I never mean to. And i am sorry for this.
And even I’ve been told that I’ve held my moods better than i have done.
I miss people, i miss how they use to be, i miss things, i miss being able to smile and laugh at everything.
I’m different to how i use to be, I’ve grown up more.
So, yes, I’ve changed.
But you see, i’m not happy.
I haven’t been for a while now.
So i guess you can say, no, i’m not me anymore.
I’m sorry that I’ve affected you all.
I’m sorry for what I’ve become.

Still really dont understand why you add everyone you dont really know and claim to be like their best friend.
Youre a prick at the best of times.
Your opinions are so high and, completely incorrect.
Yes, opinions cannot be wrong, but when it comes down to your reasoning, yes, there is nothing correct, or even stable enough to prove your point.
You had the nerv to prejudge my best friend.
Yet youve never spoken to him. Only a few have met him, and only a couple of those even spoke to him. They are the only ones that are allowed any form of an opinion on him.
This just showing that you’ve judged him when im not most pleased with him, and ive got pissy at my phone.
But still went out of your way to check up on him the other week?
Funny that, because not even i give a shit what his facebook says, and im the one thats meant to care what he’s got to say.
And now, you’re acting like youre really close to one of my other friends.
Are you actually that dim? 
It doesnt mean youre friends because youve met them a few times, this doesnt straight away mean that they enjoyed your company, nor does it mean they want to have any contact with you.
Its just numbers to you.
It doesnt mean anything
In the end, its just to make it look like your popular

Yes. Ok.
Im still unsure of what ive done is right, or was even worth it.
Hence the reason it took forever to me to make up my mind.
I read everything you wrote on saturday when i was asleep
You said you was confused about us, because we’ve always been close.
Theres not much to get though?
Never really talk anymore, anyway. Reason for why i think we’ll go tits up.

Yeah, im fully aware of the fact ive fucked up a friendship.

Oh. Ok.
So I was the reason that happened. Thats nice reading about it.
Ofc. We’ll never go tits up.
Questionable.

So, i havent slept properly since Monday because of things happening, and when i do sleep its only lightly, and im woken up easily.
I now don’t have any contact with my Gran, but for reasons no one understands fully.
All i want is to go away for a few days, and disappear.

I’d like to actually see my best friends.
But that never happens.

This week, getting everything out of my system has helped.

The most smallest things have started to make me smile again. Down to lizzi jumping on me in sociology on wednesday, to Georgia sending me a random message just saying ‘smile’.
I’ve cleared everything i wanted to this week.
Maybe thats all i needed was to say what i needed to.
This blog before i started to follow everyone had 107 posts.
I deleted everything to start afresh.
And now, i honestly feel like im becoming happier.
I know i hurt people, i don’t mean to, i never intend to.
I know i make people feel like a shit friend when i say things. I never want you to feel like that.

I know i don’t say it often, but im greatful, for every last thing my friends do for me.
I love you.

I have this friend, who is a size 6/8, and it confuses me to why she wants to drop more weight. Her smile shines when she is truely happy, but recently she’s been depressed because she thinks she’s fat i don’t understand how someone who is so thin can even begin to think she has too much meat on her bones. She always complains that she can never find size 6’s. Thats enough encouragment for anyone to start eating more. But no. She doesn’t find the interest in food. I don’t eat much granted, and my weight is stupidly unstedy all the time. But for her to turn round to me today and tell me that she thinks she would be happier thin explaining to her what she see’s in the media, and what her modeling agency brainwashes her to think, isn’t correct. When i told her that i use to be 16 and dropped down to an 8/10 now, she asked me why i decided to do something about my weight, and if im happier now than to what i was. To an extent i am happy, because i’ve gained alot more confidence in my body. But then on top of that, i feel sick that i allowed people to drum into my head i was ugly and over weight. I wasn’t over weight, i was healthy. I was alot more healthier compared to what i am now. She went on and told me that i shouldnt of changed myself because of what others thought. When people tell me things like this, it makes me think to why they dont take their own advice sometimes. I get that sometimes people do it so they are made happier, and it may boost their confidence and such, but is it worth it? Is it worth slipping down to a 4?
People in the media put on so much make-up to make themselves look natural. Theyre then photoshoped. That isn’t beauty. That isn’t right. Society has grown into something ugly, and disgusting.
At the moment she is explaining to me that she hasn’t been getting as many modelling jobs as she use to, because she did put on slight weight since last summer. She’s only 16, and this is her ‘dream job’ her dream job is to being ill. To become fake and false. To slap on so much cack on her face that it weighs her true beauty down.
I just wish people could see that what they are without the cover ups, without the need of computers, without the need of spending so much money on nothing that, that is their real and true beauty. Underneath everything that place upon their faces.
Everything they apply is just a cover of the truth.
To trick people into thinking their attractive.

I feel lonely most the times.
I’m not sure why. I just feel distant with most the people i know. Because i’ve held everything back.
I try tell people, but they just try talking me out of the way im thinking. Maybe i am too stubborn sometimes, and maybe my opinion isn’t right. But the fact that, this feeling just stays there. It never changes.
I’m not sure completely why i do.
I write most the things i want to say to people out, and back space them, because in the back of my head i just have this voice ‘they wouldnt even care’ so i come up with some other crap to say.
I know most of what i think isn’t true, beause you all say youre always there if i need someone. I’m just not sure about it, sometimes i just think people are saying it to be nice, not because they actually want to listen.

Im getting bored of feeling like shit all the time.
Reason i’ve started to be more open with everyone, is because its one of the things that is getting me down. Keeping everything so close to me, and not letting anything get out, just so i spare their feelings.
I’ll still end up doing it either way, but its a start.

But i do still believe every word i said before.

In 4 months and 3 days, i will have known you for 2 years exactly.
Within these 2 years, i’ve met you three times, and each time, i’ve became more confident in front of you.
The first time, i wasn’t that bothered that you went, would have just been nice to spend more time with you.
The second, was the same, but i started to miss you after the 4th month after went by.
The third time, i started to miss you after a couple of hours? I think thats because i spent longer with you.
In all honesty, i like missing you, because youre worth the wait when i do see you.

You share with me most things, i know you don’t tell me everything, because you think you’d mess with my head.
If im honest, you did nothing with my thoughts, i can mess with my own without the help.
But when you say things like ‘you don’t need my baggage’ why do you expect me to tell you everything back. You don’t need mine either.
I remember this so clearly, you told me;
I don’t care about your opinion of me because you don’t know me. Youre just some girl off the net
That wasn’t even two years ago.
I now know you, i know how you think, i know how your head works, and i notice what mood your in most of the time.
Yet you still hold back, even though what you tell me doesnt surprise me, or isnt exactly new news.

When i told you to read this blog and not to talk to me after you read it all, it was mainly so you would take notice of what i’m saying properly, and not question me over what i’m saying or feeling. Having you shove comments in when i’m trying to tell you stuff, just means i shut up faster, means you don’t learn anything. You may know the most about me, but thats because of words. Because you can’t ignore my texts, you’ll end up reading them at some point. But the disadvantage towards it, is that you can change the subject, or you take it as a joke meaning i just go along with it. Most of the things you don’t take me seriously on, i don’t mean them to be funny, i honestly think it?

I’m just waiting for your thoughts, to see if my view will then turnaround.

I’m not sure how to explain in words, at all.
But i’m going to try.

I still believe every word i’ve written, theres not much that can change my opinion.
When youre on the phone and you laugh, you laugh properly, unless youre drunk, but then when i’m with you or youre on skype, you giggle, and never notice if youre smiling.
Just sitting and watching films, you was smiling the whole time. Never did i look at you and it wasnt there. That made me happy.

You only really seemed happy when we were left to ourselves. Because as soon as one of our phones rang, you sighed, every time.
You started to get pissy with me when Dean rang that one night. I wasn’t impressed with him phoning at such a time either, but its rude to ignore. And yes, your phone didnt bother me in the slightest, because youre allowed to talk to others.

Ive told you before how sometimes it feels like once youre bored of people you move onto me, and when i do have your full attention at stupid hours, when i should be sleeping.

When you left you sent me these:
’when we were at the zoo, the thing i loved most was the fact it felt like we were a happy couple? i know thats weird but it made me happy’
’Some days i think about if we were a couple and i think if it was the same as the zoo i’d be incredibly happy’
Little did you notice, that when you stood and watched the wolves and lions, i was more paying attention to you, that you were smiling more than ive ever seen, you seemed peaceful, you seemed happy. This is all i want. I want you to always been like that.

Walking home you asked me what was wrong, i said i was ‘just tired’.
The real reason? I wanted a week where i didnt have to listen to her name. Where everything was ok, and none of those problems were there. I walked straight off as soon as i got off the train, the first thing you said to me when you caught up was “i love that question, ‘do you love her?’”
I wanted to answer you back with ‘well clearly not, because you wouldnt say the things you would, you wouldnt do the things you do’
But i kept hushed and just went ‘yeahhhh, ok’
When i rant off about our whole friendship to people, i get as a reply ’i feel sorry for her’ i just sit there wanting to kill them, because no one is seeing this threw my view, just from hers.
One thing I do agree on, she deserves the truth.
I’m happy that i didn’t press send, because i know what it’s like to be told such things, but for then for that to come from me would only kill her even more, knowing that not even you have the guts to tell her.

That thursday when you went, as soon as i got home, i curled up in bed, and cuddle my covers, it completely smelt of you, it just made me feel like i wanted you back there, to cuddle up to me again, and make me feel safe. Like you did before.

You asked me one night, if i wanted you to be more than friends, i answered with ‘i don’t even know anymore’
This was the truth, i don’t.
We’re best off as friends, yes, i know.
But sometimes, its like, yes, i do.

My thoughts are typed and here when you want them.
I won’t bother to text them to you, because its too long.

After this week, I don’t know if i’m going to nottingham in 3 weeks nor in april.
It also looks like im not going to download because of exams.
I’m not sure if i’ll be going else where instead.
Can we just make everything ok now?
Because i’ve done my thinking.
I just need to wait for yours to be complete.

Today, i’m not going to lie, has been a pile of shit.
Woke up later.
Read my texts that were sent to me while i were asleep
Throat started to hurt
Went to school
Came home
Shouting match with the brother
Broke down because i was in pain, and my mood is just mergh
And to stop checking my phone, i made my brother hide it from me.
Nice.

This whole weeks silence thing may be a good idea.
But i dislike the silence between us.

Stop checking your fucking phone.

My phone today, has been too silent for my liking.

So our days of silence start.
Just text me when youre done thinking.
Or when you want.
I give it days because of the whole ‘if i don’t talk to you everyday i miss you’
Yeah ok.
I love you bubs’.

Im sorry for saying these things.
I just wanted you to read everything in one go.
Instead of me trying to explain in hundreds of texts, leaving you time to answer and talk back.
I know its a cuntish thing to do. But i needed you to see how i really feel.
In all honesty, these are basically the reasons i didnt want you to touch me that night. And the reasons i couldnt help myself but to cry.
Im sorry.

Not going to lie, but i thought you was going to hate me after what i just told you.
The fact that you just sat there and laughed, and asked me what happened. Actually just shoved a lot more confidence in you.
I want to be as close as we were before both of them. I want to be the friends we use to be.
But thank you. Just for listening. Just for not going off on one. Just for being.
I love you. More and more everyday.

Honestly, i feel better having told you everything.

Truth?
When i heard you say ‘well, i like you’ the other day, i felt like walking out my room, out my house, and down to beckii’s.
Why? Because sometimes, i think you try fooling yourself.
I think you fool yourself to what you really think.
I want you to understand what goes on in my head, and i’m yet still debating if i should follow you, so you have access to this blog.
This blog, i’m going to keep it going, because it has helped.
It just depends if i now end up holding back everything i feel, if your eyes lay upon it.
Wouldnt that mean, more moods, becoming even more distant than we already are?
I just wish, that some things you wouldnt hide away, and actually talk to me about it, till its too late, and then i’m left like this, left unsure of what to do, what to feel, or where i stand.
You must understand when you said ‘this must not change our friendship’ that i realised things, that i didnt before.
You make me feel safe. Safer than i thought.
Make me feel comfortable and happy about myself, even though i know deep down that it’s a nasty thing not to be.
You give me a little bit of confidence to my name. Not much when youre not here, granted, but when you are, it must of been slightly clear, if it was noticable the other day.
You actually make me happy? As soppy as it sounds, you actually really do.

It may be rich coming from me, but read the post about photoshop again, and match it to what i said. And notice the person i was going off about.
Edits are as fake as the people in them.
No matter how much make up is put onto a person or a photograph, it still doesnt hide the fact the person in it, is a bitch.

I know my friends try to good by me, and attempt to try make me feel less like poop and lonely.
But it never works.
I’m putting it bluntly, because theres no other to put it.
Honestly, i’m never really past content when i’m with people.
I don’t like being in a big group of people, because i feel small, and forgettable. And evidently thats clear when we do end up going out.
I knew when we went to the zoo we’d all split off to those groups. But the fact no one bothered to really talk to me, unless i spoke to them first, made me think, why do i even bother with anyone?
So i asked Terry why he only said hi to me the whole day. His reason upset more.
The reason being ‘because you was with matt, and he was a twat’ then gave me the reason for him being a twat because he was listening to his music? But even i was listening to it. Does that not make me a twat as well then? Or does your opinion just apply to him?
End of the day, no one bothered to listen to me when i said we could make it for the train, even though me and matt managed to get there on time, and was prepared to just leave you all in the middle of colchester.
Why didnt we?
Because i went there with my ‘friends’
The friends that hardly spoke to me all day. The friends that fucked off with out me.
Sometimes, i feel small and worthless with everyone, because youre all so clueless to how i actually feel. And just see some crappy front i put on, which evidently works, considering that it fools you all.

Fed up of you taking me for a complete twat.
Why am i saying bye to you?
Because i don’t want to talk to you.
Why don’t i want to talk to you?
Because you may not see it, but sometimes, it feels like once you’re bored of the person youre with, im the next person. I don’t want to be your seconds.
Its clear that you don’t really want to talk to me.
And at the stretch of that, you’re also lying to me.
And then i’ll get the whole ‘why are you always texting her’
You text me first. Why am i to blame?!
You annoy me so much, and you don’t even see it. Ok. Whatever.

Have you ever wished that you could disappear?
Just allow the night to swallow you whole, and take you to the edge of the earth, so you can sit and watch those you care about.
Just to see;

• how they act when youre not around.
• if they miss you.
• if you mean anything.
• you are what they say you are.
• if the life you led was a lie.
• how if you they regretted anything towards you.

When people ask me “What you doing?” or “What you up too?”
and i answer with a simple, just being and they ask me what i’m going off about, has anyone ever just given a thought, thats all im doing? I’m actually doing nothing, but just sitting looking blank at a computer screen. Just typing my life away, to loads of strangers that couldn’t care, or even know me.

Have you ever just wished, that maybe life isnt as bad as it seems. Its just the people in your life that bring you down? But you don’t want to let them go because you think they mean everything, or you couldn’t live without them?

You say ‘I need you’
I don’t believe you do. I don’t believe a word you’ve said since.
I don’t have faith in you like i did, and the tiny part that is left, is the faith i have in you for when i’m right, and you’re gone.

Why don’t i stand up for once and tell you all of this, instead of posting it on a shitty site? Because at the best of times, you don’t listen.

I don’t want to be the back up plan anymore.

When your best friend treats you like youre nothing, and then he questions why you don’t want to talk to him at all.
I’m not dim. I know who youre with.

My words towards you may not effect you, but just listen, and maybe you’ll see, that i actually have hatred building upon this love that has been sculptured and moulded in front of us both.
We’re all just like art, it can be wrecked and changed in a matter of seconds, and damaged if dropped.
You wrap me in bubble wrap to keep me safe, and so my colour won’t run, surely allow them to stream down my face, to change the view of the beauty that you claim to be there.
Just like rain, i can drown myself out in my own emotions, and cover the regret that drifts down my cheek. 
But just think about the outcome and how beautiful the mess could be.

That name seriously annoys me.
I dislike her. Not hate. Dislike.
Why do i dislike her?
Because, i need to ‘ask’ before i visit you, i need permission to talk to you, i need to have approval to being your friend.
Why do i need to be tested to be your friend?
Truth is. If you didnt feel anything, everything you did the other week, every word you spoke, must of been a lie.
I don’t believe you’re in love, because none of that stuff would of happened, because you went and detraded every part of her trust in you. Youre just as bad as her Ex. I wish you could see youre nothing special, and now if she knew the full truth, you’d be nothing to her.
And then when she tells you she ‘hates’ me, you probz just shrug it off like its nothing. Because you don’t exactly defend her when i’m going off on one, whats to say you do exactly the same.
My opinion? I think she’s there because you dont want to be lonely.

Honestly, the only reason thats stopped me telling her about it, is i don’t want to lose you as a friend. I don’t know how you’ve become so important in my life, or even having this affect on me. I wish you’d just grow up a bit, and start acting like you’re 21. And not 12.

I don’t understand how you could of done that. Maybe i should of just pushed you off more than once. But you really need to see it threw my eyes. You need to see why i question your feelings towards me.
Just like how you question all my posts, about how they’re about you. Truthly, a lot of the pissed off ones are towards you. But i cover them over with some bullshit excuse.

Just maybe for once, think how you’re making me feel.
Think about how your actions are going to mess with people.
Think about, if i told her what you’ve done.
I can ruin everything thats good for you.
Think.

This blog is basically me venting my feelings and stuff, without having a certain people reading it.
Because it creates problems between us all, and i cant be fucked with it all.
And i think by posting things, other than putting them as private will help.
So everything is out in the open, and not still bottled up.
Whereas for the people who want to read this blog will, and for those who i post about, if they want to find it, then theyre more than welcome to.
I dont care about followers, i just want to be happier, and not have everything cramped inside of me, and having the feeling that my chest will one day explode because of everything.

If i say, Tell Her just to make me feel less like shit and worthless. Would you?
Would you risk it enough to keep me here? Or would you just drop me, drop me from so high up, that i will be more than bruised, but more cut open and broken.
So the wound that will appear will only heal over time.
While in the meantime, if i cover up, and put make-up on the issue, so i can hide the face that is unbarable to see, and show you the other side.
Only over time you will see that what i am is fake.
Then the bruises will start to show, and you’ll start to question what your actions have done.
Or just shrug the truth of the hurt off, and pretend like you’ve seen nothing.
Or believe that what you have witnessed is false.
But of course, neither, her or i, are worthy or the truth, so
Welcome to the new world of secrets. 
It will rip you open, and leave the deep scars you didnt intend.