I don’t want the affection because, yeah, it does make me feel unworthy.
I’m fed up of the relationship comments.
I’m fed up of our relationship comments.
I’m fed up of the feeling of being in one, but knowing I’m not good enough.
I’m fed up of the constant feeling of being used.
I’m fed up of being told how to feel.
I’m fed up with the ‘you’re beautiful’ ‘I love you’ texts, without it even having any meaning.
Yet, I love every single little part of it.
I wouldn’t change you. I couldn’t.
I’m content without the affection, without a relationship.
But I miss the cuddles and kisses, the feeling of being wanted and special to someone.
It’s just misleading.
It’s just not right.
And the truth is, I hate myself, from head to toe.
Inside and out.
No one is able to change my opinion, and rarely do I feel good enough for anyone, in any form.
Everybody comments that we’re basically like a couple.
In reality, we’re not.
Never set out to be.
Never will end that way.
I wish people would stop comparing us as a couple.
It only makes me feel that much more less.
That much more unworthy.
That much more lonely.
This is the 7th week now not sleeping properly, and it’s starting to get me down, things started to become shit at home again, which makes me think more about other things in general, so i don’t talk as much.
I haven’t really since new years.
I don’t laugh much anymore, because i find it hard to think of most things people say is funny. My humor has changed, theres little i can do about that.
I find it hard to smile without a reason anymore, because of people, because of situations, because i have no reason to.
To try and find my smile and laughter, i joke about everything, but that’s how i cover everything up. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to.
I’m broke. I have no way of getting money. I try for jobs, i look most nights, but most places clash with school hours.
I may spend a lot of my money now going to see him, but thats because i miss him.
I spend most my time doing school work now, because it just builds up.
The other half of my time, i’m cleaning my house, or generally helping my parents with things.
Most the time i feel lonely, mostly without my friends being around, but somtimes, even with, i still feel empty.
I feel like i don’t fit in.
I feel like i’m never good enough.
I always have done. But recently more than ever.
The only time i’m content is when i’m asleep. Which is hardly.
This making me in a bad mood during the day because of the lack of it, and its only just caught up with me.
I know that when i’m tired i snap at people, i try not to. I never mean to. And i am sorry for this.
And even I’ve been told that I’ve held my moods better than i have done.
I miss people, i miss how they use to be, i miss things, i miss being able to smile and laugh at everything.
I’m different to how i use to be, I’ve grown up more.
So, yes, I’ve changed.
But you see, i’m not happy.
I haven’t been for a while now.
So i guess you can say, no, i’m not me anymore.
I’m sorry that I’ve affected you all.
I’m sorry for what I’ve become.
Still really dont understand why you add everyone you dont really know and claim to be like their best friend.
Youre a prick at the best of times.
Your opinions are so high and, completely incorrect.
Yes, opinions cannot be wrong, but when it comes down to your reasoning, yes, there is nothing correct, or even stable enough to prove your point.
You had the nerv to prejudge my best friend.
Yet youve never spoken to him. Only a few have met him, and only a couple of those even spoke to him. They are the only ones that are allowed any form of an opinion on him.
This just showing that you’ve judged him when im not most pleased with him, and ive got pissy at my phone.
But still went out of your way to check up on him the other week?
Funny that, because not even i give a shit what his facebook says, and im the one thats meant to care what he’s got to say.
And now, you’re acting like youre really close to one of my other friends.
Are you actually that dim?
It doesnt mean youre friends because youve met them a few times, this doesnt straight away mean that they enjoyed your company, nor does it mean they want to have any contact with you.
Its just numbers to you.
It doesnt mean anything
In the end, its just to make it look like your popular
Im still unsure of what ive done is right, or was even worth it.
Hence the reason it took forever to me to make up my mind.
I read everything you wrote on saturday when i was asleep
You said you was confused about us, because we’ve always been close.
Theres not much to get though?
Never really talk anymore, anyway. Reason for why i think we’ll go tits up.
Yeah, im fully aware of the fact ive fucked up a friendship.
So I was the reason that happened. Thats nice reading about it.
Ofc. We’ll never go tits up.
So, i havent slept properly since Monday because of things happening, and when i do sleep its only lightly, and im woken up easily.
I now don’t have any contact with my Gran, but for reasons no one understands fully.
All i want is to go away for a few days, and disappear.
I’d like to actually see my best friends.
But that never happens.